There are just so many things you can blame PMS on and I’m ten days past my period and 20 days early.
I lost it. I hate making mistakes and being wrong and I couldn’t contain my own anger and hatred forward myself and I was in front of the door, this metal door and I punched it with my right hand. It did not hurt. I did not use my knuclkes and as I was to hit the door I probably slowed my fist’s speed because I’m a fucking pussy and did not hit it hard enough. God I hate myself.
It was hardly one of the things that got wrong. Somehow, my post of few weeks ago disappeared, whether it’s my own doing or magic, I have no idea. It’s humorous because in that post I had said I was chilling and taking things easily and now I lost my temper the same way the post disappeared. I don’t mind tho. I don’t care about that entry of mine.
I don’t like who I am when I’m with you. That’s just a facade of who you want me to be or think I am, a meaningless act I keep involuntarily to preserve your image of me, even if it’s one of the lowest opinion. I don’t like being restrained from being myself, even if it’s myself who cannot break these chains. It has been so long I cannot be anything else with you anymore. You have this idea of the person I am and you impose it on me negating my vain attempts to breath.
It’s not unusual to stare at my brother and wonder why he acts like this or why he doesn’t want to do shit. All these thoughts only lead me to one of my many selves. The part of me who wants to be independent and have a successful work career. I have ideas and they may or may not be innovative but what if? What if I was in charge and could choose what to change and how to make things work. Maybe I’m just one of those workers who think they know better cause they’re ignorant in the things that matter the most, without knowing it, of course. One of those people who are ambitious, sure. So ambitious they lose their mind and common sense. They end up leaving their job and chasing their dream, thinking it was simple or better not thinking if it has been that easy for them to figure it out, how come no one else came out to this idea before? So they open their business and end up in bankrupt few months later. I have seen it happen a lot of times before. Maybe I’m just one of those naive poor fucks.
It saddens me I might not be able to see Earth communicating with any of the new planets. I hope my 50/60 years left will be enough.
Her name was Sara. She was taller than most of us. Blond and blue eyes. I liked her the most when she let her hair wavy. I didn’t know her. She made herself easily through my way, it surprised me too.
It all started during class. She asked me something out of no where and from that time she came to talk to me and sit next to me and she came to my house to eat several times and we went out a lot on Saturdays’. I loved her a lot and she left.
She moved during summer. She texted me about it.
“I’m moving tomorrow.”
I cried all night.
Another year of school. My classmates talked about Sara, they said mostly bad things. About the things she did when she was with us, about the things she would do over her new city. What would they know about moving and meeting new people? I knew. I knew you’d have to be accepted by them. Acting like them.
They told her through message she was a whore and I naively told her I understood, I knew that’s something you have to do and sacrifice.
“What about you (me)? Did she (her) wrong you too?”
“Yes.” Someone said as I was about to reply “no”, stupidly remaining mouth open.
That’s when my trust crumpled.
I know they talk behind my back. If you dislike someone why don’t you leave them alone?