GPS

“Sometimes Ronan thought Adam was so used to the right way being painful that he doubted any path that didn’t come with agony.”

Except my life doesn’t have easy paths. Everything is always complicated and unexpected, not in a good way, never in a good way.

Advertisements

who would have thought 40 pills wouldn’t be enough?

2015 has been the hardest year in my life, so far. Emotionally hard and draining. 2016 hasn’t started any better and I know it’s gonna be living hell. 

I never stopped and actually thought about it. The year that has just passed has been horrible.  It had been bad in the past but nothing I could bear with. What I’m going through is making me crazy depressed. I know I’ve said before I may not be depressed. I don’t know if it’s just a phase. I only know it’s all going downhill and I cannot see a way out of it, I swear I can’t. 

 It might have all started before 2015 but it’s all coming to me now. 

Isn’t it normal to think about suicide at least once in our life, well maybe more than once? 

life is hard and I’m too weak

When is enough really enough?  When do we let go? It’s always autumn in my head, in my heart. The sky is gray and cloudy and leaves are costantly falling from the trees. Some days it rains, others there’s a storm and that’s when it gets hard for me. I don’t think I could possibly be depressed, cause there’s so much more pain in the world. When I’m strong I keep telling myself it’s normal, everyone’s life is the same, everyone has their own struggles. It’s nothing a good cry can solve.  They say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. It might not be killing me at that moment, but it leaves a scar and I have so many scars already. My whole soul is going to be covered in incurable scars, they hurt. I’m flawed. I’m broken. I’m a little bit dead everytime it happens.

I’m stressed, I’m too emotional, I’m weak. Fragile. Useless. Unimportant. I’m damned. I think I might have been someone really mean in my past life, Hitler maybe.

Really tho, when is enough really enough? When can I give up? Does it ever come the time you think there’s nothing more to hope for? A time you know you have done all you could and it didn’t change a thing? I wish there was someone who could tell me “you were good, you did amazing and now you can let go, you can stop from hurting”.

 

Doom

Ci sono volte in cui leggo perché non ho nient’altro da fare, altre dove leggere è l’unica cosa di cui io abbia veramente bisogno. 

Per passare il tempo, per andare avanti, per continuare ad andare avanti. A volte è il solo mezzo per smettere di pensare e preoccuparmi, altre il mio mezzo per sentire e provare qualcosa del tutto. 

Ed ho paura, quando il tempo verrà, quando leggere diventerà solo un azione, quando leggere non sarà più abbastanza.   

Insomnia or obsession. 

Feelings is probably the word I use the most when writing. That’s because I have so many feels and cannot contain them in my head. They keep coming and going, especially when I’m trying to sleep. They just won’t leave me alone. 

I write here in result. 

My feelings are all over the place. I need to organize them neatly into words before I can feel in peace with myself. 

I wonder why I consider me and what I feel two different entities, like they’re not part of what I am, but are, instead, some kind of weird and unknown animals I’m trying to analyze and classify. 

concept. 

Happy, sad, bored are not always just that, there’s so much more behind sometimes. It’s all about the in-between shades of grey. 

I’ m a picky person. I try to find the perfect words to describe my emotions and feelings. It’s not always easy and most of the time it takes me a while. I might even forget what I wanted to express, the whole point of the thinking and the frustrating. 

And that’s how I usually end up feeling annoyed.