I hate whining people a lot, but how can I not be one of them when bad things keep happening to my family? Life is made of choices, of different turns. Somehow we made all the wrong ones and it’s coming back. Everything is coming back . It’s pay back time. 

The thing I hate the most is I don’t know what to do, there doesn’t seem to be a solution to anything. Everything goes down and I just can’t deal this anymore.

How easy it would be to just not exist. Can I just stop living without hurting my family? Can I just not be an additional problem? 

They blame parents who kill their children before taking their own lives. It’s an act of love. Caring enough to spare them from a life without their anchors. I don’t condemn their inability to keep fighting. There’s no God, no right, no justice. Most of the time, fighting is useless, meaningless. I, myself, would not want to live a life without my parents. Maybe I do not count as I do not want to live either way. 

I’m waiting for the right moment, even if it’s hard. I’m waiting for the right moment as my loss will not be felt. When thinking about killing myself will not bring me to tears, but leave me with a sense of rightfulness and peace.

I do not seek consolation or attention. I write to feel better, better enough to live one more day. I write for myself. Never would I have believed it actually helps. 


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