It rains a lot lately, it’s more like summer storms. It’s sunny, then it’s pouring. Lightnings and thunders, and the next thing you know is the sky falling down. A loud burst, people shouting and running, in seek of a place to hide. Another explosion. My windows trembles, car alarms start singing. It’s the end of the world.
I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever knew. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I’m only certain, reading is my way out. When I have a book in my hands and stories in my head, nothing else matters.
I hate whining people a lot, but how can I not be one of them when bad things keep happening to my family? Life is made of choices, of different turns. Somehow we made all the wrong ones and it’s coming back. Everything is coming back . It’s pay back time.
The thing I hate the most is I don’t know what to do, there doesn’t seem to be a solution to anything. Everything goes down and I just can’t deal this anymore.
How easy it would be to just not exist. Can I just stop living without hurting my family? Can I just not be an additional problem?
They blame parents who kill their children before taking their own lives. It’s an act of love. Caring enough to spare them from a life without their anchors. I don’t condemn their inability to keep fighting. There’s no God, no right, no justice. Most of the time, fighting is useless, meaningless. I, myself, would not want to live a life without my parents. Maybe I do not count as I do not want to live either way.
I’m waiting for the right moment, even if it’s hard. I’m waiting for the right moment as my loss will not be felt. When thinking about killing myself will not bring me to tears, but leave me with a sense of rightfulness and peace.
I do not seek consolation or attention. I write to feel better, better enough to live one more day. I write for myself. Never would I have believed it actually helps.
If you have studied philosophy you’d know human beings have several needs. Firstly and most importantly the basic needs such as eating, sleeping, breathing, things like that. Once and only then, you have reached the ability to obtain these needs, you’ll be able experience and focus on other ones as relationships, confidence and honestly the one I care the most, Art.
I’m still stuck in the primary needs, I cannot find stability and realization in my work. It’s precarious and gives me a good amount of anxiety. Clearly having a job is the only way to have a roof to sleep at and food. Money is everything. I have a place to live and I have food but that’s it. There are no opportunities for growing. To live and not just exist.
That’s why I cannot conciliate the raw aspects of life with the abstract ones. I see people making art, traveling and hanging out with friends and having one life time experiences and I cannot do anything cause I have to work and do not have enough time for anything else. The period I was not working I had no incomes. I had some savings but I did not trust the fragile security of a fixed and limited amount of money. My life is a loop.
I cannot see where I’m going, especially when I do not think I’m moving at all. Living in an eternal loop until death. Waiting for a glitch to save me from this meaningless system.
You would say the best solution would be to take chances but I have responsibilities and my only way out of this nightmare is marriage. Hah, it’s so ironic. I dread for freedom and yet, the only way to free myself from this cage is another cage. What is this? The ninentith century???
Some cages are better than others.
I want to be free.
Death is my freedom.