Socializing is exhausting

I’m calling it socializing, but actually mean having human whatever contact. Work mostly. Yeah, gonna write about work, like that’s not all I do and think of anyways. 

Usually it’s fine when I talk to a stranger, an acquaintance for a short amount of time. It does happen that said person might appear as an asshole right away, usually only troubled people do so in my opinion. Mostly it’s fine tho. The problem comes when I must interact with said person longer than just few minutes. That’s when I apprehend their real nature. Their flaws. They’re horrible, irrespecutful assholes. 

So, person is fine at a superficial stage, mostly anyways not always. Second stage, fucking annoying bastard. Third stage, after having enough patience and good will to know him better, something close to friendship(?) is this how it works?

I can’t stand people more than the few minutes talks anyways. More than that I get anxious. Pretty sure that’s why I cannot make friends anymore. When I was 6, I used to go around parks and ask strangers if they wanted to be my friends. 

So yeah, there was this old man at work. He usually came to do some take aways and seemed an okay person, this evening he came with his family and was an awful asshole. 

And I’m tired of having to socialize. Working with a lot of different people, it gives you a glimpse of the insanity that surrounds us, mine and the one of the everyone else’s. I tell my mom people are mad crazy and there are no normal ones in this world, while knowing I’m the first one to be gone. Everyone is insane in their own way and I get to see it everyday at work, hah so lucky. 

It’s really exhausting. All these little things. 

It’s 5 am. I feel my hands trembling, my body, my soul. I’m tired but my mind wants to think about the mistakes over and over again, in a desperate attempt of changing what already has happened. 

I hate everyone. I need a work where I do not have to talk and interact at all. 

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