Socializing is exhausting

I’m calling it socializing, but actually mean having human whatever contact. Work mostly. Yeah, gonna write about work, like that’s not all I do and think of anyways. 

Usually it’s fine when I talk to a stranger, an acquaintance for a short amount of time. It does happen that said person might appear as an asshole right away, usually only troubled people do so in my opinion. Mostly it’s fine tho. The problem comes when I must interact with said person longer than just few minutes. That’s when I apprehend their real nature. Their flaws. They’re horrible, irrespecutful assholes. 

So, person is fine at a superficial stage, mostly anyways not always. Second stage, fucking annoying bastard. Third stage, after having enough patience and good will to know him better, something close to friendship(?) is this how it works?

I can’t stand people more than the few minutes talks anyways. More than that I get anxious. Pretty sure that’s why I cannot make friends anymore. When I was 6, I used to go around parks and ask strangers if they wanted to be my friends. 

So yeah, there was this old man at work. He usually came to do some take aways and seemed an okay person, this evening he came with his family and was an awful asshole. 

And I’m tired of having to socialize. Working with a lot of different people, it gives you a glimpse of the insanity that surrounds us, mine and the one of the everyone else’s. I tell my mom people are mad crazy and there are no normal ones in this world, while knowing I’m the first one to be gone. Everyone is insane in their own way and I get to see it everyday at work, hah so lucky. 

It’s really exhausting. All these little things. 

It’s 5 am. I feel my hands trembling, my body, my soul. I’m tired but my mind wants to think about the mistakes over and over again, in a desperate attempt of changing what already has happened. 

I hate everyone. I need a work where I do not have to talk and interact at all. 

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God wants me dead, that’s why I go through all this shit. 

God wants me dead, that’s why I go through all this shit. 

God wants me dead, that’s why I go though all this shit. 

I was on the verge of a never ending cry. I didn’t want to cry tho. Not during work. I hate being a weak person. 

I kept saying it in my head. The reason why I have to deal with assholes. God wants me dead. He wants me to take my own life. That’s why I have to deal with all these hurting situations. 

He wants me dead. And I do want to die. 

When the right time comes. 

The monsters in my sleep

When I dream, I dream of losing myself. Running around the hallways of this imaginary station. Running late to that train that will lead me to an unknown destination.

This time, there are other humans. They jump all together on the railways and get hit by the train. They do it unconsciously, they do it willingly. As their bodies tear apart, more people crowd the platform and wait for their turn. A new train arrives and new bodies, new blood covers the place. It keeps going. People coming and people dying. It does sound like an eternal punishment in Hell.

Phoenix from the sky

This morning I saw a huge duck, well that’s what I think it was. It had a green head and a ring on his neck. The rest of his body, his wings and torso were golden brown. I live in the city and we usually see pigeons or some kind of small birds which honestly I’m too ignorant to know about. It was a pedestrian road and at that moment it was deserted, no human being walking there except me and my co-worker, who later told me he saw it coming from above, pointing to the sky but actually a tree. Of course, a tree. But it was such a big and unusual bird to stay on a tree. So I still asked if it fell from an apartment above us. It does sound like a silly assumption if not for my surprise at the sign of such animal.

It slowly made his way. It didn’t fly. It just walked. I suppose to the park. I had to go work.

My father said it was a mountain chicken. He said when he was little, he and his friends would run for it when they saw one at their mountain. You would run and try to catch it, cause that’s what you should do.

I’m not sure if that was a chicken or a duck. It felt like a phoenix to me to be honest. Not because it would die and reborn. It had been something unique and special. It didn’t feel real at all.

I wish I took a photo of it but it kept walking and I like things to be still, to wait for me. I didn’t carpe the diem, I never do. I’m feeling disappointed at myself for not doing it. I’m feeling angry at it for not coming back for me. I’m being unreasonable again.

Mothers’ day

I desperately need something to change my life. Anything to feel better about myself. Caged in these damn responsibilities, a no end apathy, reduced to stoically accept what life throws me. Fear, pain, anxiety. It just goes downhill. Days worse than the ones before. Months, years gone too fast. Nothing happened, nothing changed. My sanity slipping away like the hope I once had. I want to do something but I don’t know what. I could start drinking and never care anymore. I could start using drugs and never look back. I could run away and leave everything behind or I could just die. Now I’m ready to die. Now I love my mother too much. She’s the only reason.