Hate always brings pain

I’m an awful person. This evening I had a crisis, I was really angry and shouted to my mom. I love her but deep inside I cannot forgive her for the greatest betrayal she did to me.

I was angry and hurting because hate always brings pain and some days I just need her to know how much this life hurts me and how she is the cause of it. I’m an awful person.

I was a mistake, I was not meant to live. When mom found out she was pregnant again she made an appointment for an abortion but she never went there.

At first I was shocked. I don’t think I was mad at her for ever thinking about aborting. I mean, it’s a weird thing to know about. But as I grew older I started to resent her for not doing it.

People are selfish living beings. How can you not see how this world is and still want to create a new life to live in it? I wish there was a way to get to know a fetus’ opinion on the matter. A woman goes to prenatal visit and the gynecologist, using morse code, asks the fetus “do you want to live in this really shitty world? One kick for no, two kicks for yes” but then again, the fetus wouldn’t be able to kick yet or even know about morse code. Honestly, I may have kicked twice if asked said question or maybe not. When I was a child, I always had this urge to open the car door during car rides. Open the door while the car was moving and throw myself on the ground. I would have that thought during the whole time and my father never locked the doors.

I might have had some ideas about becoming a mother but that only involved the privilege of naming a baby. I really like giving names to things and babies. I would call my son Zachary and my daughter Mackenzie, my husky dog Kenzo, my corgi Todd and my Indian Ringneck parrot Blue Lily, Lily Blue and then get two other parrots and name them Kerah and Chainsaw.

Anyways I always feel bad after being mean to mom especially after I tell her I hate life, I don’t want to live or I want to die. I know it pains her. It pains me a lot too.

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