I’m an awful person. This evening I had a crisis, I was really angry and shouted to my mom. I love her but deep inside I cannot forgive her for the greatest betrayal she did to me.
I was angry and hurting because hate always brings pain and some days I just need her to know how much this life hurts me and how she is the cause of it. I’m an awful person.
I was a mistake, I was not meant to live. When mom found out she was pregnant again she made an appointment for an abortion but she never went there.
At first I was shocked. I don’t think I was mad at her for ever thinking about aborting. I mean, it’s a weird thing to know about. But as I grew older I started to resent her for not doing it.
People are selfish living beings. How can you not see how this world is and still want to create a new life to live in it? I wish there was a way to get to know a fetus’ opinion on the matter. A woman goes to prenatal visit and the gynecologist, using morse code, asks the fetus “do you want to live in this really shitty world? One kick for no, two kicks for yes” but then again, the fetus wouldn’t be able to kick yet or even know about morse code. Honestly, I may have kicked twice if asked said question or maybe not. When I was a child, I always had this urge to open the car door during car rides. Open the door while the car was moving and throw myself on the ground. I would have that thought during the whole time and my father never locked the doors.
I might have had some ideas about becoming a mother but that only involved the privilege of naming a baby. I really like giving names to things and babies. I would call my son Zachary and my daughter Mackenzie, my husky dog Kenzo, my corgi Todd and my Indian Ringneck parrot Blue Lily, Lily Blue and then get two other parrots and name them Kerah and Chainsaw.
Anyways I always feel bad after being mean to mom especially after I tell her I hate life, I don’t want to live or I want to die. I know it pains her. It pains me a lot too.
Mood: don’t feel like doing anything, not even living.
I like to hold my boobs and squeeze ’em while trying to fall asleep. It’s comforting and relaxing. I wish they were bigger just so I could sleep better.
There was a time in the past, I had to travel a lot to go work. Trains, undergrounds. I had to wake up early and work right after one hour or more of travel. It was tiring. Work was. Life was, still is. I would stand there and wait for my train outside this lonely station. One could hear the bells ringing furiously whenever a cargo train or a faster one would be passing by and not stop and when it happened the mass of air it raised would make my hair fly around messily.
Such a temptation they always had been. Trains. Small, unimportant stations. Futile lives. The waiting and the speed.
When the bells started ringing, everything in my head would go still and as the train would get close I’d be counting the seconds. The seconds until I could step foward. When the bells started ringing, I’d imagine myself jump into the rails just as the train would pass and my body be scattered against it, against the ground, against life. I had imagined it so many times. Just these little steps and everything could change, everything could stop being. It’s scary in a way, how easy it is to die.
I think I’ve officially gone nuts. I’m not a religious person, I just have this imaginary friend which I call God and I talk to him in my mind all the time. I tell him everything, all the things I could never tell my friends or parents or my close brother and one day I’m gonna fall in love with him and hope he was a real person, cause there’s no one else in this world I could think to be with. I don’t believe in people, I’m afraid of people, afraid to get emotionally close to anyone. That’s why everytime I go out with a guy I end up ignoring him until he stops trying. I’m just scared.
Art is the only way that leads to Happiness and I can’t do anything. I have no imagination, no fantasy, no magic inside me.
I dream so hard, I forget my eyes are still open in the darkness of the night. I dream so hard I feel like all I ever wanted is right there for me. I dream so hard I become blind to the raw truth of this world. I dream so hard I end up not falling asleep at all.