Grandpa has died.
In a parallel world this could be day two, the day after day one. That’s not the case, but we can still pretend.
With my period at the corner, love keeps crossing my mind. I get so emotional during PMS, like I keep thinking of love, sex and eating, especially eating. It really gets out of control and lot of times have I scared myself. I would not sleep at night and watch video recipes on YouTube till really late.
I wanted to talk about love tho. Definitely not my love life. It’s just this dream I had and it still lingers in my mind.
I’m back at school, guessing from the people around me, I’m in middle school. We’re out for a trip. Kayak in the city, like there’s this river that crosses all the city and we’re either really bad at it or the stream is too strong, so we end up inside lot of houses and streets.
Nothing romantic happens. It’s just this feeling I have during the entire dream. It’s longing and missing and needing. I’m not in love with a person. I’m in love with the idea of this person.
My hunger has taken over and I cannot bother talking about love any further. I need food, salty then sweet than salty again. Hmmm.
After watching this video about people journaling everyday for a month, I’ve decided I want to give it a try too. It doesn’t seem like a bad idea, other than me forgetting about it or having nothing to write at all, maybe. I don’t know. I guess I can make it work.
I cannot write, let’s forget writing in English too. It’s not my mother tongue. I do happen to think in English a lot thou and there are plenty of times I can express myself in English and not in Italian, but also the other way around. I had written in the past something in both languages, that was the best.
Anyways. I’ve been in a neutral/good mood lately. Survival mode on. My mom has gone to see grandpa and I had felt weird at the beginning, weird like the only word I could use to describe how I felt, would be “unmade”. It’s not the first time my family is far away from me or I’m far from them. I wasn’t feeling wholly myself and the reality around me felt detached, or I was the one aloof, not fully connected to my surroundings. It was too much thinking and I had work to do anyways. It’s okay now. I’m just doing what there’s to be done and not mind it too much. My problems are still there and they’re still “huge”, more than I can handle , still something “above” me. The secret is not thinking about them. It works, when I’m on good days. I also happen to believe I was meant to hit the lottery, on good days. Working, sleeping, napping and waking up in time for work is my plan for now. Eating is forgettable.
I’m tired and it’s 2am. Hopefully I’ll write more next time.
I used to hope for someone to come and save me from my misery. I stopped daydreaming, I just want to die. I’ve become more realistic.